Modern Chinese view on marriage

The Chinese are falling out of love with marriage. That’s according to the BBC, Nikkei Asia, and South China Morning Post, all of which have run stories this year about how Chinese millennials are eschewing traditional ideas of nuptials in favour of doing marriage their own way, or staying single. AMC gets some perspective from Kiwi-Chinese millennials. 

According to China’s National Bureau of Statistics, in the past six years the number of Chinese people getting married for the first time has fallen by a staggering 41 percent.

“The decline is partly due to decades of policies designed to limit China's population growth, which mean there are fewer young people in China available to be married, according to Chinese officials and sociologists,” says the BBC. “But it's also a result of changing attitudes to marriage, especially among young women, some of whom are growing disillusioned with the institution for its role in entrenching gender inequality, experts say.”

What Kiwi-Chinese millennials think of this trend

“I reckon that it becomes less foundational as women’s freedoms and financial stability rises,” says Auckland-born Nuanzhi Zheng, 23, whose parents are from Shanghai. “I think it parallels the American nuclear family and moral panics too, and in that lens, the change should be welcomed.”

Hangzhou-born Zoe Wang, 32, is engaged to a New Zealander and moved here two years ago. She believes marriage is still the foundation for the typical Chinese family. “Almost all of my friends got married because of love. They want an emotional connection, a sense of belonging to a family,” she says. “For the parents, it is always a symbol of becoming grownup after their kids get married. Otherwise, they feel worried and sorry for their children to be single. It is an incomplete life without marriage in China.”

Getting married “late”, around age 30, is a trend in big Chinese cities says Wang. “For those of my friends (male and female) who are still single, half of them feel alright and don't really care as they have decent income and lots of friends to hang out, so they could live just as happy by themselves. The rest are feeling stressed, pressure is not only from families and the society but also from themselves - they want true love and also a sense of belonging to a family,” she says. For Wang, even a wedding ceremony isn’t that important. “Being together matters more than a piece of marriage certificate… I would rather find my value, do the things I love, and be with the person I love.”

As a Chinese-Kiwi, Zheng believes her parents have different expectations around marriage than they would if in China. “My mum mentioned that a lot of her friends' children still have an expectation to get married and to go to university specifically to find a partner,” she says. “I think that as my parents chose to migrate, they probably expected that I would adapt to a more Western view of marriage, and are accepting that perhaps none of their children to be married. However, both my parents did not face a huge amount of pressure from their parents to be in a rush to marry and start a family (with my older sibling being born when they were 33), so perhaps reflects a larger familial outlook.”

There’s also an urban-rural divide when it comes to the modern Chinese view on marriage. Auckland-based Johnathan Zhao, 30, is from a small town (by Chinese standards) near Shanghai. “The majority of my friends in my hometown are now married, most of whom have kids too. Most of them got married at a young age (23-25) and went to blind dates set up by their families. The more rural their families are from, the more pressure they get from their parents, and the peer pressure from their parents’ friends,” he says.

Only one couple Zhao knows in Shanghai is now married. “The rest are either just in a relationship or single,” he adds. “But most of my friends are ‘New Shanghainese’, meaning they don’t have any family in Shanghai. There is less pressure from their parents, and also no financial support like the locals do. The main reason is the high pressure from their work, long working hours, and skyrocketed housing price compared to their salary.”

Despite a global housing crisis, owning a home is often considered a requisite in Chinese culture for marriage. This is another reason for delayed marriage, or not marrying. “It deters some people from getting married without a 'good' financial situation,” says Wang. “There is a Chinese saying, ‘门当户对mén dāng hù duì’. It means the families of a couple are well-matched in terms of social and financial status, which is the most ideal match for marriage.” According to Zheng, “Women’s financial freedom means they don't have to rely on marriage to access wealth. Perhaps this inability to access the housing market means that it becomes less of a prerequisite for marriage? Either that, or there is a greater reliance on intergenerational wealth in modern Chinese culture.”

Zhao believes it is often expected that a middle-class Chinese family would buy a property pre-marriage for their children. “It is also expected from the women’s families too." There is a common joke in Shanghai: "Shanghainese mothers-in-law are the rigid demand of Shanghai property market". "While it is a joke, it shows the realistic expectations when a marriage is about to happen,” he says.

“Looking at my friends around me in China an New Zealand, finance is certainly less of a consideration for Kiwis when it comes to marriage, whereas all my married friends in China have at least one property. I think it is mainly caused by many factors such as cultural difference and social welfare. In Chinese culture, owning a home is see as the base for a family to flourish and grow.”

 - Asia Media Centre